


the self is not so weightless, nor whole and unbroken, remember the pact of our youth

by annabeth_the_duck



Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alex Fierro Needs a Hug, Anxiety Attacks, Dark Thoughts, F/M, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Breakdown, OOC, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, im not really sure about the title but i was listening to achilles come down at the time, impulsive thoughts, in which i use way too many metaphors, not necessarily magnus/alex but can be seen as so, self-hate, so it could be quite triggering for some people so be careful when reading, so you get a random lyric from it that vaguely fits, this fic is really dark with the self-hatred and dark thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28139421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_the_duck/pseuds/annabeth_the_duck
Summary: “C-can,” Alex gulped, swallowing back tears. Her voice was broken, but she forged on. “Can you h-hold me?”Magnus smiled softly at her. “Yeah.”Alex has a breakdown. Magnus helps her through it.
Relationships: Magnus Chase & Alex Fierro, Magnus Chase/Alex Fierro
Comments: 11
Kudos: 54





	the self is not so weightless, nor whole and unbroken, remember the pact of our youth

**Author's Note:**

> look at me heavily projecting onto my favourite character. again.
> 
> Title is from Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths.

Alex twitched, her fork trembling in her hand. She set it down and folded her hands between her legs, abandoning her scrambled eggs in favour of staring at the ground. She shifted again, wincing at the sudden waves of self-loathing. _Everyone’s staring at you, they all think you’re weird. You are weird. Everybody hates you; they’re just pretending to like you_ \- Alex tried to block them out but they kept coming, again and again and again and again-

She set her plate down hard on the ground and stood up, hunching her shoulders and ignoring everyone.

“Hey, Alex, are you okay-” Alex flinched violently, startling Magnus and scaring herself. She sped out of the room, trying to pretend no one was watching her and that she didn’t feel like she was breaking apart into hundreds of tiny pieces. As soon as she was out of sight and hearing of the Floor 19 gang she broke into a dead sprint, moving as fast as she could to outrun the thoughts whirling faster than an out-of-control carousel. Alex slammed into the door, jiggling the handle and finally managing to open the door. She burst inside, almost falling on the floor, and kicked the door shut behind her to prevent anyone from seeing inside.

The intrusive thoughts hit Alex like a freight train. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck,” she mumbled in a never-ending stream, not letting the tears building up fall to the ground. “Aaaaaargh,” the girl screamed quietly, gritting her teeth. She stood up properly from her half-crouched position and made for the bedroom, snatching a stress ball from her bedside table specifically for instances such as these. She squeezed it aggressively, digging her fingers into it faster and faster until the stress ball finally popped. Alex stared at it as the bubbly balls previously inside it slowly slipped to the ground, dripping off her fingers. In a daze, she floated to the bathroom and washed the sticky liquid and leftover balls down the sink, picking up a towel to clean the stress ball remnants on the floor too. Once she had returned to the bathroom, she dropped the towel in a bin and stared at the floor.

 _It’s not even surprising that you managed to ruin something that’s supposed to be unbreakable. That’s all you ever do. You take things, and you break things, and you don’t do anything useful. You’re a fuck-up and you know it. Everyone else knows it, too. What the hell is wrong with you that you can’t even hold yourself together for one fucking day?_ “No, no, no,” Alex murmured. “Stop it. _Stop_!” _This isn’t your father’s fault, it’s yours. He’s right about you; you’re weird and abnormal, and you keep being abnormal and fuck things up for everyone else. You project your self-hatred onto everyone else and then they hate you, and everyone hates you and you’re unlovable-_

Alex’s breathing came faster and faster, overwhelming her and causing her to become light-headed. She let out an anguished scream, storming to her pottery corner and grabbing the nearest object she could get her hands on. She threw it at the opposite wall with a loud CRASH and the sound of shattering hardened clay. “SHUT UP!” Alex screamed, thumping herself in the head. She grabbed one, two, three vases and smashed them on the floor, the shards bouncing up from the floor. She swept a whole shelf’s worth of creations onto the ground, screaming “STOP! STOP IT! JUST _STOP_!”

Alex sunk to the floor, suddenly exhausted and surveying the damage she’d caused. _She’d_ caused that. “Stop.” Her voice gradually got quieter, ending in a broken and cracking whisper: “ _Just stop_.” _This is all your fault. You got angry and had a temper tantrum, now look at the damage you’ve caused. You’re stupid and dumb, you got this angry over a couple of sad thoughts?_ Tears coursed down Alex’s cheeks, sobs wracking her small frame, dragging her down into a sea of self-hate. Alex reached a hand out to the ground to steady herself, sweeping her legs to her other side and desperately trying to swipe away the steady flow of tears pouring from her eyes.

She gasped for breath, hyperventilating again ( _gods you can’t even_ breathe _correctly_ ), struggling to do the basic task of inhaling and exhaling. Choking on tears, Alex wailed, letting her emotional pain become audible. A crazy smile slipped onto her face, lips pulled so wide they hurt, teeth almost bared like a cornered animal’s. She laughed, long and loud, her tears continuing in a never-ending stream while she cackled. The laughing tapered off as her stomach began to hurt and she was left with a wet shirt and a running nose and terrible thoughts and a fucked-up brain- “NO!” she shrieked, crying even harder. “ _Please_ , no, no, no, no…” It was like a wave, but it didn’t stop. It never stopped. The thoughts kept on coming and kept on coming and kept on coming, forever and ever, and Alex was never going to get out of this, this was it, not the end, but an eternity stuck in her head, caught up in her mind. She sobbed harder and harder, barely taking in the air she needed to survive, unable to escape the prison that was her head. Killing herself never even crossed her mind, too deep was she in her thoughts.

All concept of time had vanished. An hour, day, or even week could’ve passed, and Alex would still have no clue when now was. She just lay there on the floor, all laughter gone, silently crying as the self-hatred washed over her. _You can’t do anything. Everyone’s forgot about you already. You’re going to fade away, and no one’s going to remember you, and then you’ll be alone forever. You always manage to ruin everything, every relationship, every situation, every scrap of kindness thrown your way, you manage to completely and utterly fuck up. You even fucked up yourself. This is no one’s fault but your own._

Someone knocked on the door. “Hey Alex? Alex? Are you okay? I-”

Alex noticed Magnus’s distinct voice, a little bit flat but soft with concern. _He’s only doing this because he has to. He doesn’t care about you. He pities you. You’re pathetic._ “Leave me alone!” Alex yelled, trying to put some of her usual fire into her voice. It didn’t work. The girl’s voice wobbled and cracked weakly ( _weak you’re so weak_ ), betraying her current state and belying her vulnerability.

“No. You’re very obviously not okay.” There was a pause as Magnus tried to figure out what to do. “I’m going to stay on the other side of this door. You can leave me out here or let me in, but… I’ll be here if you need me.”

Magnus’s voice was too soft. It lulled her, tricking her, convincing her that he cared. But… he came here to help me. He has to care at least a little bit, right? Alex needed someone to help her through this breakdown. She dealt with it alone so often, but it wasn’t healthy. She had to reach out. Alex unsteadily got to her feet, stumbling towards the door. She put her fingers on the handle and let out a deep breath, twisting the knob and letting the door swing inwards. She sneaked a glance at the boy in front of her; Magnus looked shocked at her exposed condition, and Alex looked down in shame. She couldn’t do it, opening up was too dangerous. She should just send him away for good, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Instead, she curled her arms around herself and turned away, walking back into the messy room and falling in a huddle against the wall. She pulled her knees up to her chest and leant her head on them, letting her tears keep running down her face.

“Alex. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.” Magnus shut the door quietly and moved to sit a few feet away from her, legs stretched out in front of him. She glanced at him; he was sitting there, just there. Still and quiet. Alex shuddered, breathing in and out, trying to get herself under control. She shuffled a little bit closer to Magnus. _What the hell are you doing, he thinks you’re stupid, what, you expected sympathy? Like you even deserve it._ Her breathing sped up; wheezing, she hugged herself tighter, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to shut out everything else. She steadily moved closer and closer to Magnus, seeking out the physical contact she craved. Within a few minutes she’d shifted close enough that their legs just touched.

“C-can,” Alex gulped, swallowing back tears. Her voice was broken, but she forged on. “Can you h-hold me?”

Magnus smiled softly at her. “Yeah.” Alex shut her eyes and sighed in relief. Magnus picked her up, sliding an arm under her knees and behind her back, lifting her up and settling her on his lap. Alex stayed curled up, letting her legs relax a little bit and leaning onto Magnus’s chest. Magnus wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close to him. She sniffled and unwound her arms from herself to put them around Magnus. She buried her head in his shoulder, drowning out the relentless noise in her head. _What are you, a two-year-old? Grow up and deal with it yourself._ Alex jerked, controlling her breath. “It’s okay, Alex,” Magnus said, soothing her. “You’ll be okay. It’s okay to want support. You’re important. To me, to Samirah, to Mallory, to Halfborn, to TJ. You’re important to a lot of people. You’ll be okay.”

“Thanks.” Alex sniffed, berating herself for being so pathetic. No. She’s not pathetic. _I’m not pathetic._ She can do this. “Can I- could I talk to you? Could you just… not judge me?” She winced. _Of course he’s going to judge you, you think dark things and you’re scary and you’re weak._

“Sure. I’m here for whatever you need, Alex.”

Alex took a couple of deep breaths, screwing up her courage. Somehow, going to battle was easy, but talking to someone about her emotions was one of the scariest things ever. “Okay. Okay. I’m just… I’m sick of it. Do we only exist to serve as entertainment for someone? To please someone with our pain? I’m sick of feeling like this all the time. Everything feels like it’s too much. It’s too big and it’s overwhelming. And I feel like I’m going insane. Sometimes I have that crazy, mad feeling, like I’m on fire and I’m going to destroy myself. Sometimes everything is empty, and grey, and I don’t feel anything, and I’m like a heartless monster with no regard for anything else. It’s too much. And the _thoughts_. The things my brain comes up with… sometimes it just jumps on you. Like a monster sneaking behind you to surprise-kill you. All of a sudden you’re plunged into the deep end, held there by the current, being beaten against the rocks over and over again. And it’s a never-ending wave, you keep being held down, and sometimes it can take hours or even days to come up again. And each time this happens I feel like I’m drowning a little more. And I’m so, _so_ sick of it. It’s the worst but I can’t get rid of it.” Alex shook violently. Talking about her emotions was healthy, but it was also hard.

“Maybe you can’t get rid of it. But you can pull yourself through it.” Magnus smiled at her. “You have people who can help. Maybe it won’t ever leave you completely. But you have friends who will always help drag you out the other side.” Tears started pouring down Alex’s face again, and she started sobbing again. She clutched Magnus’s shirt, clinging to him like a drowning person to a life raft. Magnus held her. Eventually, she could see the light at the end of the tunnel. She kept going, breathing more stable, and she could physically feel it when the breakdown was finally over.

“Thanks, Magnus,” Alex said, wiping her nose on her sleeve and the tears off her face. Her eyes widened. “Shit, the feast! The battle! Oh, shit-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Magnus said. “It’s okay. You didn’t notice but Mallory poked her head in about an hour ago. She’s taken care of it.”

“Oh… okay.” Alex relaxed and leaned back into Magnus, still holding onto his jacket like a lifeline. They stayed that way in silence for a while, Magnus rubbing Alex’s back and Alex calming herself down from her attack. “Magnus?”

“Mmm?” He replied.

“Can you stay the night?” Alex asked in a very small voice. She winced and immediately backtracked. “I’m sorry, I’m overstepping, it doesn’t matter-”

“Alex, it’s fine. I can stay.”

Alex smiled. Magnus smiled back and hugged her tighter.

* * *

A bit later, Alex yawned widely. Magnus picked her up, making her squeak in surprise, and got to his feet, carrying her to the bedroom. He laid her down on the bed, and Alex shot straight back up, looking terrified at the prospect of him leaving, but he only took of both their pairs of shoes and sat down beside her. Alex turned on her side, facing him, and he laid down. Alex shuffled closer to him, an imitation of earlier but with her more confident. She rested there with her head against his collarbone, and arm around his neck. Magnus slipped one arm under her body, supporting her and bringing her closer to him, and ran his other hand through her hair. Alex hummed, at peace now, and drifted off to the sound of Magnus’s voice murmuring assurances to her.

* * *

When Alex wakes up in the morning, Magnus is still there, his blonde hair falling over his face poetically. He’s still there, staying for her.

**Author's Note:**

> while writing this fic i bashed by head on the keyboard and got ‘nnnnbbb’ and my dumb ass was like ‘no Alex is genderfluid you discriminatory keyboard’ and then my brain switched back on
> 
> anyway here's my tumblr https://annabeth-the-duck.tumblr.com please leave comments and kudos they make my day, stay safe, and feel free to request a fic if you want :)


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